Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Testify

Today I feel the need to testify about the Lord's faithfulness an goodness in my life. Today I am looking back on an almost two year journey and He has chosen today to reveal Himself to me in a fresh way. Over the past two years I have been asking, then pleading with the Lord over a specific prayer request. There have been highs and lows in the waiting for an answer and I admit I have not been the most patient person through this. In fact, over the past few months I have often given in to times of despair and had come to a very odd place in my faith. I still loved the Lord and believed He was good. I even believed He wanted good things for me, and clung to that scripture. I had, however, begun to believe that fr whatever reason he had decided to stop answering my prayers. Not say no, not stop listening, just stop responding. I felt ignored and that felt way worse than hearing Him say no. I even at times began to feel scared to pray for really important things. My friends mom was dying of cancer and I wanted her to live so badly that at times I was afraid to pray for her healing. You see, I did not want to be in the way of hundreds of others begging for her healing. He might not answer if I prayed.

I know. That is messed up logic and theology, but it's where I was. I am thankful that the Holy Spirit within me kept prompting me and prompting me to pray, or I might have stopped. However, the last few weeks I have felt like I was slowly pulling my head above water on this. Praying more and more everyday, with more confidence in His sovereignty in all things. Living life with more of His peace, glory to God.

And then this morning I picked up and old bible study. I've had it or years and never really gotten going in it. Apparently did a few days of it when I was pregnant with Lorelai. Things were a little rocky then. My marriage honestly was not in the sturdiest place. I had invested countless hours praying over, discplining, talking to and loving on a two year old who tried me every single day and almost as often brought me to tears, yet it seemed to be in vain. Even her beloved Grammy told me she was the hardest kid she'd ever seen. And here was this new baby growing in my tummy, making me wonder everyday if i could do this. How could I raise a new baby when I clearly wasn't very good at this whole parenting thing. What on earth was I doing? The weight of the responsibility (not to mentione the increased work load) seemed daunting.

I decide to flip through the answers to what I started over two year ago. In it was a prayer that I had written asking the Lord to replace my feelings of increased responsibility with joy, peace and confidence as a mother. I was overwhelmed as I read those words that I don't even remember writing. I have said often since lorelai's birth that if we followed the Chinese tradion of naming your baby after you've gotten to know them awhile that her name would be Joy. She has filled our lives with it. I have often remarked in the past year and a half or so how much more I feel like I've "come into my own" on this parenting thing. Not that I'm perfect by any means but the insecurity that plagued me for a long time is gone. And over the past year or so we have begun to see some of the fruit of the years of hardwork a Maelie has blossomed into a precious little girl who loves the Lord and has a passion for His word.

So basically over the past two years the Lord has been answering my prayers. You have no idea what it means to me to climb out of a valley, look back and see the evidence that the Lord was working the whole time you felt ignored. He is so faithful to us even when we are struggling mightily with our faith. He was always there. Of course He was. It is so precious of Him to not only be there, but to let us know it. To reveal Himself and the work He has been doing in our lives. Part of the greatness of this to me is that the original prayer - the two year prayer that started this whole particular journey - still has not been answered. But the cry of my heart to know Him more has been, which is so much sweeter.