Well, this is an interesting blog to write. Every other post I've ever written has been upbeat and happy. Looking back on that, it makes me feel very blessed. But I'll tell you ahead of time, this one is a little different. Last weekend, Kyle and I were so filled with joy and excitement as we plopped an "I'm the Big Sister" shirt on Maelie and set out telling our family that we were expecting a new baby. Our bubble was burst so shortly after when the doctor's office called on Monday to tell us that we had lost the baby. I still haven't wrapped my mind around all the feelings I have about this. On one hand, I know what an amazing God we serve. I know that He loves us and wants good things for us, has good plans for us. I know several people who have lost babies at birth or shortly after, and I don't think I could go through that. I also don't think I could have handled knowing this baby even more intimately as months past and then loosing him/her. So in a way, I've tried to think that maybe our sweet Lord spared me even more heartache in the end. But it still hurts, and I still feel like someone died that I loved and never even got to see. I think it's even more evident why funerals are so important - for the closure, for the honoring of those we loose. It feels so weird that I lost someone so important to me, and some people don't even know. Some people that do know treat me like nothing happened and it's all just weird.
However, even as I write this I hear Maelie playing in her crib and know that I am very blessed. I have also had my eyes opened even further to the many blessings that are all bundled up in Kyle. He has loved me, supported me, cared for me and mourned with me in a way that I will never forget and that make me love him even more. I know that in some ways this has been harder for him than me. I can't tell you how many precious ladies have some to me at church/YCW with encouragement, "I've been through this " stories, just to tell me they're sorry, thinking about me , love me. It has all made this process more bearable to feel so surrounded by love and sisterhood and I know that men don't do those things or talk about things that are so hard sometimes. So, if you pray for me, please remember to pray for him, too. Anyway, I may or may not post about this again, but those are just some things I needed to get off my chest and "out there."